GUEST BLOG - Wendy Waters

Hi all!
This week my guest blogger is Australian author Wendy Waters, whose debut novel Catch The Moon, Mary was published last year.

Anyone interested in guest blogging about their own experiences with any mental health problem or know someone who is, please get in touch with me via Twitter - @letstalkmhealth or Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/letstalkaboutmentalhealth/


Wendy Waters is an Australian writer/lyricist/librettist who’s first published novel Catch the Moon, Mary was launched in London at Questors Theatre and Cellar Door in September 2015.
She is currently adapting the book into a play with playwright Jemina Macedo and composer Shanon D. Whitelock. Wendy and Shanon are also writing a musical called The last Tale based on the life of Scheherazade, storyteller of The Arabian Nights 1001 Tales.
The constant themes in Wendy’s work are music, magic and the power of the imagination.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to their graves with their song unsung.”
- Henry David Thoreau

But those who sing out loud may be revered as celebrities or reviled as crazies.

CRAZY as defined by the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary

1.Full of cracks and flaws; impaired, liable to fall to pieces.

2. Broken down, frail, infirm.

3. Of unsound mind; mad; insane. Often in the sense of mad with excitement; perplexity 1617. Showing derangement of intellect 1859

DERANGEMENT definition

1. To disturb or destroy the arrangement of. To throw into confusion; to disarrange.

2. To disturb the normal state, workings or functions of known habits; to act abnormally 1776.

IMAGINATION definition

1. Existing only in the mind or fancy, not in reality.

2. Forming a mental concept of something not actually present to the senses.

3. The mental consideration of actions or events not yet in existence.

4. The power which the mind has of forming concepts beyond those derived from external objects.

5. The creative faculty. Poetic genius.

We live in a time of numerically quantified absolutes. Global communication is instant. Anything we need to know we can Google. No need for imagination. No need to think for ourselves. For every situation or problem there are solutions we can freely quote and faithfully rely on. There is no need to question absolutes like the speed of light, 186,000 miles per second, the value of energy – E=MC² (Energy = Mass x the speed of light squared), the evening news or the price of housing. Other people have done our thinking for us and supplied us with all the answers.

We live in a world run on information overload. Quiet reflection is unnecessary and time is money. Sitting around pondering events not yet in existence is wasting time. Our understanding of ourselves, our world and our universe is built on numerically sound, rock solid absolutes. Rock solid?

Hmm ...

it seems some quasars have been caught travelling faster than the speed of light. Are they crazy? Don’t they know that light's velocity –186,000 miles per second – marks a cosmic speed limit? For those of you not particularly scientific a quasar is a superluminal stream of light shining so brightly it eclipses the ancient galaxies that contain them and some of these renegades dare move faster than the speed of light. Quasars are powered by black holes a billion times more massive than our sun and they shoot through our galaxy at ridiculously disruptive speeds.

In short, these renegades are singing their own song! Poetic genius? Or just plain crazy?

And what to do with this rocking of the absolute? Ignore it? Explain it away? Or consider events not yet in existence. Come now, that would be crazy! We have a whole field of science based on relativity supported by absolutes that have no business altering on a whim.

Crazy, full of cracks and flaws, maddened with excitement and perplexed by rules, filled with a sense of what could be, shining brightly, dancing through space in defiance of gravity –social and weighted. How dare these quasars fly through space at breakneck speed and dance for no apparent reason beyond joy.

My God, they’re as pointless as artists. Creative people and quasars simply don’t understand how disruptive they’re being when they defy gravity for the sake of it. But for the artist, the misfit, the quasar and God chaotic disruption is the precursor of creation. Nothing new springs from order. Absolutes must be “disarranged” to facilitate the arrangement of imagined events not yet in existence.

"I put my heart and soul into my work, and I have lost my mind in the process.”

- Vincent Van Gogh.

But today we celebrate his genius. Why not? The crazy man is dead and no longer bugging people with requests for money or offers of love. Now that the pesky progenitor of the Irises and Starry Starry Night is safely silent we are free to rhapsodise over his legacy and romanticise his suffering. But would we have lent him money for paints had he come knocking? Would we have spurned his rather excessive love? Probably. Passionate people are difficult to be around. They make poor partners and demanding co-workers. They have this pesky dedication to excellence that makes the non-achiever look slack and incompetent. Who needs it?

We do. If we are to find meaning and purpose in life we need to set ourselves challenges and goals that defy gravity and follow paths so narrow they can only safely accommodate one traveller at a time. The roads less travelled lack signposts and charts. They are steep and invariably offer no shelter. But oh, the view.

I have depression, anxiety and a mild form of Asperger’s that manifests as excessive dedication to my work and a need for precise order. I get panicky if things have been moved on my writing desk, anxious if routines change. My life is ordered around the chaos of my imagination upon which no boundaries or restraints are placed.  My imagination travels at any speed it likes, stumbles map-less into worlds of its own and leads where it may, even into hell. And I follow. Why? Because I trust it. I trust my imagination in a way that I don’t trust reality. And herein lies the key to the myriad triggers that contract my consciousness into despair, anxiety or depression.

Like everybody else I live in a world of rampant insanity. Daily I am bombarded with images of death, corruption, war and natural disasters on television. The media-induced panic proliferated every hour on the hour keeps me in a constant state of low-grade fear. When will I be

a) struck by a car

b) attacked by terrorists

c) murdered by a psychopath

d) killed by a tidal wave, earthquake, fire, volcano, hurricane?

The odds are strongly in favour of something dreadful happening to me. After all, it happens to other people every single day. It’s a numbers game, surely? I am also subjected to a negative stream of numerically conjured defeatist mottos by well-meaning neighbours, friends and caring family members.

Examples being: the odds of you being successful are zero to none, have you any idea how many other writers are out there, get a normal job and be happy, why should you be different from your Uncle Joe who wrote lots of books that never sold, what makes you think you’re so special, why do you keep persisting when it’s obvious you won’t make it?

And then there’s the worst one of all – You’re too old to succeed now, you’re a failure just accept it.

Is it any wonder my panic triggers are

1) loud noises

2) silence

3) ticking clocks

4) low rumbling sounds

5) waking up each day

6) the news jingle

7) a ringing phone

8) checking my emails

Get the picture? EVERYTHING is a trigger because I have been indoctrinated into a belief that I live in a dangerous world full of psychopaths and terrorists and only the lucky few succeed by virtue of nepotism, genius or a lottery win.

No bloody wonder I’m depressed.

No bloody wonder I’m anxious.

No bloody wonder I doubt my very right to exist.

Don’t you? It’s all right, I know.

Now let’s return to the farthest reaches of the universe where those quasars are out-pacing light and out-shining galaxies. They are the flotsam jettisoned from a darker force of rampant accumulation – the insatiable and apparently starving black hole, which consumes everything around it – ingesting and hording entire galaxies for its own sustenance. The black hole regards its surrounding magnificence – stars, planets, comets and light – as its due and raids freely. Black holes are at the heart of almost every galaxy. They will be their destruction. However, before the greedy sucker gluts the feast we are treated to a stream of exuberant light that outpaces anything known. The by-product of rampant consumerism is exquisite apposite light. I would posit that this insane consumption is fear-based. I would also posit that society has a black hole mentality. The super-rich amass more than they can consume in a lifetime and are lauded as high achievers. While the poor are dismissed as losers. Do we feel inadequate by comparison? We’re supposed to.

People who do well are generally regarded as successful.

People who own nothing and have low-paying jobs are generally regarded as losers.

Van Gogh and Mozart were both losers by that measure. And yet they sang their songs out loud and shone spectacularly brightly. We still admire the light they left behind.

In fact, when the dust of past civilisations settles, art, music and literature is all the light we see. So bright is this by-product of consumption that it defines the culture it outshone. Galleries, bookshelves, walls and minds are illuminated by Art, Thought, Wisdom and Love.

These are the values we acquire at a distance but the progenitors suffer the pangs of non-acceptance at close range. In our own time those of us who are different are crazy – mad with excitement and perplexity as we follow the uncharted paths of pure imagination.

Not everyone is born with genius but rest assured it is acquired at the apex of the road less travelled.

Wendy Waters

Author Catch the Moon, Mary"

School Days

Hello you lovely lot!
I hope you've all had a fantastic week.

Today I'll be going back in time and revisiting my younger self.

I am very lucky that I can pinpoint the very start of my anxiety disorder. I only discovered this was the moment after undergoing a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy a few years ago, and it was like an ultimate miracle revelation.
Although it's such a small, seemingly insignificant moment, it's nice to be able to just KNOW where it all started.


10 Years Old
So, back in 2003, I was my 10 year old goofy self. Back when I looked a bit liked this...

   

    Apparently I'd never heard of a hairbrush when I was 10 years old...

Believe it or not, I was an incredibly quiet child and painfully shy (total opposite to the me some of you know now!)

To put this into context, my family have a history of suffering from very bad migraines.

I remember being in an ICT lesson, I must have been in Year 5 or 6, sat in front of my computer screen and without any warning, I got my first ever migraine. I completely blacked out and couldn't see a single thing. That's a terrifying thought for me even now, and being 10 years old, I remember being completely utterly terrified and was off school for a few days afterwards.

Obviously when I went back to school, I thought everything would just go back to normal, after all, I was better now and I knew it was just a migraine.

The minute I got into school, I was reminded of what had happened a few days before, and I began to feel unwell and I complained of feeling dizzy, so got sent home.

I went back the next day, and the same thing happened. I said I felt dizzy, went home.

On the third day of exactly the same thing happening, school started to get a bit suspicious. Because I had complained of feeling like this three days in a row, yet felt absolutely fine when I went home, school decided I was attention seeking.

I wasn't taken seriously when I tried to explain how unwell I felt, I was forced to sit in lessons in floods of tears because the room was spinning and nobody believed me. I have very vivid memories of being laughed at when I was crying, being called a 'baby' and being told I was 'ridiculous'.

This then started happening outside of school too. Everytime I had to leave the house, it filled me with absolute dread. I remember going shopping with my family being an absolute hell for all of us, as I just wouldn't go into some shops, or go in then have to rush back outside, crying, throwing tantrums when no-one believed me and at the time the only way I could describe it was 'feeling dizzy'.

Mum took me to the doctor's many times, I had several blood tests over the years (needles being my worst fear so that didn't go down too well either...) and they just couldn't find anything wrong with me. So it just got put down to me being 'dramatic'. Nobody even considered the possibility that it could be a mental health problem (including me as I had no idea what mental health was!) So I just had to get used to this feeling. The feeling that I've had every single day since that migraine 13 years ago.

High School
So, when I went to high school 2 years later, I still had no idea what was going on.

I lost a lot of confidence in my ability when I was at high school and I was still having these undiagnosed anxiety attacks on a daily basis, and they were getting worse and worse the older I got.

I somehow lost my shy, quiet self, and became an irritating, disruptive, trouble making teenager.

I struggled with getting the motivation to go to school and skipped it when I could, but obviously this came across as me being a trouble maker. In fact, that's how I wanted it to come across as I would rather be thought of like that, than acknowledge what was going on in my own head.

I would sit in lessons feeling nauseous, dizzy, short of breath etc. I couldn't concentrate and just focused on when I could get out of that room. I would do my best to get kicked out of lessons so I didn't have to sit through them feeling unwell, ask to go to the toilet constantly, ask to go and fill up my water bottle, basically ANYTHING I could do to get myself out of the room for a breather. Any excuse I could possibly come up with.

I went through a phase where I was desperately trying to get myself suspended just so I could stay at home and not have to leave the house. Luckily, I was never successful in this aim, and I can't thank my school enough for that as I know I would definitely regret that now.

As I went from lesson to lesson, I remember part of my 'routine' that I had adapted, was to lock myself in a toilet cubicle just so I could have some time to myself and have a breather. And I would sit there and PRAY SO HARD that I would feel OK in my next lesson. I felt like if I didn't do this, something awful would happen.

A Revelation in Sixth Form...

Believe it or not, it wasn't until I was in my second year of sixth form, age 18, before anyone even thought that these feelings I get might be panic attacks.

It had been 8 years of this strange feeling on a daily basis, and suddenly, it just made sense to me. These were panic attacks.

I went and saw the doctor straight away, and sure enough he thought exactly the same thing. I began a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which worked wonders for me in finding ways to manage my anxiety and accept it.

However, sixth form was perhaps the hardest thing I've ever had to do in terms of my anxiety.

I began developing my agoraphobia side of my anxiety around this time. I suddenly had a real fear of leaving the house, a fear still very much present now, and this really affected my time at school.

Sometimes I would get up, pretend I was going to school, then when my parents left for work, just climb back into bed.

When I realised my absences were getting noticed, I would turn up in the morning just for registration so they couldn't prove I wasn't there, then just walk home.

Consequently, I feel like I lost a lot of good friendships when I was in sixth form particularly, because I just withdrew myself from my friends completely. That is a big regret of mine, and I just want to say anyone out there who feels they are withdrawing themselves at these difficult times, don't!!!

Keep them close, share your worries with them, don't push them away when you really need them.

Positive relationships are key to fighting mental health problems, so don't isolate yourself.

That's one of the biggest regrets of my sixth form life, and I wish I could go back and retrieve some of those friendships.

Depression

Looking back now, I realise in school, sixth form in particular, I was suffering from depression. I was never diagnosed with that, but from my strong understanding of mental health now, I know I was.

I'm going to share something I've not really been quite so open about in the past.

From when I was about 13 to about age 18, I unfortunately went through a self harming phase.

I don't know why. It just happened one day and I found it brought me some relief, so I carried on.

It was a very dangerous habit to get into, and although I never self harmed to such a severe level to leave lasting damage, it is still a huge regret of mine for putting my body through that and that I didn't seek help for this before.

Displacement activities are great in helping break self harming habits. These are all different for everyone, but could be letting out that anger physically on something else rather than yourself, ie, throwing a cushion against a wall, squeezing a stress ball or tearing up some paper. These are the things I found incredibly useful, and that's how I managed to eventually break the habit after seeking help.

Please seek help if this is a problem for you. Don't suffer in silence.

I've debated with myself whether or not to share what I'm about to say next. I've decided to share, because being open about this is what I want, and you never know who this might reach and whether it might help someone.

(deep breath) I also went through a phase where I was prepared to end my own life. I think I was only about 14 at the time, but I very much had a plan as to how I would do it, if I did it. I was so low, and so desperate, I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I felt that was one of my only options.

I think deep down in my subconscious, I think I knew I wouldn't actually do it. But looking back, it frightens me to think that I was in that state, and what the consequences of my actions could have been.

I am such a happy, positive person now, I have so much to be thankful for and happy about, and to think I used to be that low terrifies me.

And this all went on before I was diagnosed with anxiety.

So the truth is, the reason I felt this way, was because I had no idea what was going on!!

This is why we need to educate people about mental illness, and I think teenagers in particular. Teens are so susceptible to mental illness because of the changes in their lives: hormones, puberty, exams and having to decide at the age of 16 what to do with the rest of their lives!

Perhaps if I'd have had an idea of what was happening to me in terms of my panic attacks, I may have never gotten to that point in my life.

For me it was just a phase, but it frightens me that some of you out there get this feeling regularly.

We need to do more to get help for these people who feel like this and could be suffering in silence.

Improving mental health awareness in schools should be just the start. It should be a massively important topic on the curriculum particularly in high schools!!

Suicide is the third leading cause of death in 15-24 year olds, which I think is a terrifying statistic, and something we need to pay more attention too.

I just want to reiterate, if anyone does feel like this, please, PLEASE seek some help.

There's always a way out, and this can affect anyone, so please speak up and tell someone how you feel.

I also encourage anyone suffering from depression, anxiety, or in fact, I just encourage EVERYONE to read this book:

'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig.

He shares his experiences in such a refreshing and accessible way that we can all relate too, whether you've ever experienced depression and anxiety or not, he has a gift of being able to reach out to every single one of us. 

I encourage you all to read it!

Thank you all again for taking the time to read my blog.

Until next week!

Much Love,

Suzy x

GUEST BLOG - Amy Clement - Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Hi all!
Here's my very first guest blog by the very lovely and talented Amy Clement.
Thank you to Amy for being my first ever guest blogger - very much appreciated!!

Still looking for guest bloggers so if you're interested, please get in touch.
Particularly looking for guest bloggers with other mental health problems - drop me a message on Facebook or Twitter
@letstalkmhealth
https://www.facebook.com/letstalkaboutmentalhealth/




Amy Clement is a 21 year old female living and working in London. She has suffered on and off with various types of anxiety and panic attacks since the day she left home for Uni back in 2012.

"Hi all

Big love to Suzy for starting up this fabulous blog and for giving me the opportunity to write an article.

I haven't written anything like this before and I have a lot I want to say so apologies if it's a bit all over the place!

The anxiety side of things started off as health anxiety, every twinge made me worry and every headache made me scared and I was back and forth from the doctors constantly seeking an answer.

I had zero understanding of anxiety and panic disorders at the time and looking back I wasn't actually aware that I was suffering. I found myself feeling very alone and very home sick, I was often upset and I had trouble sleeping.

Since then my anxiety has morphed and developed into something more complex although feeling unwell can definitely trigger my anxiety and panic on a bad day. It can range from a few anxious thoughts to a racing mind that's out of control with a full-blown panic attack. Sometimes it builds up and sometimes it pops up out of the blue making it difficult to control. It's a bit of a roller coaster to be honest!

Panic attacks are scary things and I have learnt that there is no specific formula that defines one, mine are always different and they're different to other people's.

I've had many encounters where I have believed I was going to drop dead, I have imagined local newspaper headlines following my unexpected death which is a horrible thing to go through and I do often feel stupid afterwards.

The anxiety builds and builds and I end up freaking out so badly.

More recently I have been worried about losing my mind, I'm scared of being scared and I fear the unknown. I am a successful, ambitious, active and sociable 21 year old and I have so much to be happy about.

I am aware that anxiety often begins because of abusive relationships, illness, stressful jobs and trauma and I am so blessed to not have gone through these but it goes to show that anxiety can affect anyone - just because someone looks okay doesn't mean they aren't battling WW3 in their head.

My anxiety manifests itself in so many ways, sometimes my mind races but I have no physical symptoms, sometimes I get adrenaline surges, sometimes I think I'm literally going mad, sometimes I can't sleep but sometimes I could sleep for England, sometimes I feel sick, sometimes I lose my appetite, sometimes I feel like I'm going to pass out, sometimes I can't focus and sometimes I just cry.

For me, a panic attack is basically like being hormonal and having to run a marathon with no training whilst being chased by an angry giraffe with a gun after being hunted by a shark in a pool of golden syrup after sitting an exam determining your life forever and ever and smashing your iPhone whilst bumping into your ex boyfriend. This is obviously a strange way to put it but sometimes I find comfort in making fun out of myself!!

If you don't suffer, imagine being so scared of something that you couldn't focus on anything else, something life changing that you can't shift from your mind and it could happen imminently but it might not. On top of that you may suffer an ever changing pick 'n' mix of uncomfortable, painful and upsetting physical symptoms like a racing heart, unusual breathing, lightheadedness, depersonalisation, a temperature, shaky hands, chest pains.... Oh and then you realise giraffes don't have hands so you feel a bit silly.

My newest symptom is feeling 'weird'. It's like I am not actually here, like there's a barrier between me and the world. My hands, mouth and legs can feel a little numb and disconnected which freaks me out and causes panic. It's such a vicious cycle! I googled the sensation and found it described as 'de-personalisation' and supposedly it's your body's way of coping with extreme anxiety, errrrrr thanks but no thanks! It just fuels my anxiety further.

I always feel better knowing I'm not alone.

When I first read Suzy's blog I couldn't believe that she accurately described a symptom that I have been suffering with for ages that I haven't been able to describe!! And I would never wish any of these issues upon anyone but it's important to know you're not the only one and don't feel guilty for finding comfort in it.

It can also be good to link up with someone who goes through similar things to you and just be there for each other when you need someone to chat to who understands.

Unfortunately there is no miracle cure, but I have learnt a lot that makes it all much better:

1) a good book. Completely immerse yourself in it and give your mind a break. Some people find jogging or yoga has a similar affect. Exercise is also hugely important, it releases endorphins and helps to balance your hormone levels and it also provides a good distraction.

2) be open and honest. Tell your family and friends that you're suffering, don't suffer in silence, it's amazing how much a few supportive words from someone you trust can reassure you. My mum can tell me I'm fine and I believe her and I relax, it's amazing!

3) accept it. Let it happen, I was once told to just ride the anxiety and learn from it each time. Just remember it won't hurt you and it will pass.

If you have any questions or you just want to chat about stuff OR you have a miracle cure then don't hesitate to contact the blog and ask for my email. Massive thank you for reading and I hope that I have informed or reassured you in some way.

All the best! Xxxxxx"

Coping Mechanisms

Hello you gorgeous bunch!

Gosh a week goes by quickly doesn't it? I feel like I've only just written my last blog!
This week I had an exciting guest blogger lined up which has unfortunately fallen through, so I'm afraid you're stuck with me for another week!

I've been asked by a couple of people to share my coping mechanisms for anxiety and for panic attacks so here goes...

Grounding
A technique I use the most is called 'grounding'. A lot of people I have met who suffer from panic attacks use this technique and find it incredibly useful so it's definitely worth a try!

To put it into context, when I (and many others) go into a panic attack (both minor and major), the strongest feeling I have is the feeling like 'I'm not really there'. This means some sounds get louder, some sounds get quieter/tinny and difficult to hear, my fingertips feel numb & I can't feel things properly, I suddenly become either very aware or very unaware of tiny, little movements around me, and it all feels exactly like being in a dream. This is obviously a very terrifying feeling when it happens to any of us...I get it almost every day and it can still be very scary no matter how used to it you are, but once you know this technique it can become MUCH less intimidating.

So when this strikes: GROUNDING:

• Look around you.
• Find 5 things you can see.
• Find 4 things you can touch.
• Find 3 things you can hear.
• Find 2 things you can smell.
• Find 1 thing you can taste.

Focus on all these things one by one, slowly, with however much time you need. And gradually, you'll find yourself calming and coming 'back into reality'. Sometimes I find I don't even have to do all of these things, sometimes just pressing my feet firmly into the floor or pushing hard against a wall is enough to ground me and bring me back to normal.

This is the technique I use most often. This 'losing touch with reality' is the feeling I get several times on a daily basis whenever I'm in a public place, and I can ground myself without thinking about it now. Sometimes whilst still maintaining a conversation. So the more you practice, the more efficient it is. I hope that one of you out there can use this and hopefully will help as much as it helps me!

Breathing

BIG MYTH ALERT - deep breaths calm you during a panic attack.

Actually, no they don't. Sure, it helps when a person is just feeling a little bit anxious, but for those of us who suffer from panic attacks, a deep breath causes hyperventilating. It releases extra carbon dioxide so causes symptoms such as dizziness to worsen.

It's about steadying the breath and regaining control, which can be incredibly difficult to do when you're panicking. It takes a lot of focus which you don't necessarily have during a panic attack.

Everyone has different breathing exercises which help them as everyone's breathing pattern is different. Have a google around of different breathing exercises, listen to relaxation tapes, meditation tapes, and try them out and find what works best for you. 

Personally - the technique I use is called 7/11 breathing. You breath in to the count of 7, and from there, out to the count of 11. It works for me as I exhale more than I inhale when panicking, but it doesn't mean it will work for everyone.

Control

As with most mental health issues, retaining a sense of control is incredibly important for those of us with anxiety.

My anxiety begins when I know have to leave my front door, which is obviously an unavoidable thing.

I therefore have very strict routines that I must stick to, in order to know that I am OK to leave. I struggle to be spontaneous as that's 'not part of the routine', and I feel all out of sorts if I don't know all the details of what my plans are.

The night before - I have to plan my day out the night before, I need to know exactly what time I need to get up, exactly how many hours sleep I have had, exactly what time I need to be in the shower, exactly what time I need to have eaten my breakfast by, how much time I need to leave myself to get to where I need to be, and what time I plan to be back safely in my own house by (and many other things that I've forgotten because it's so normal to me now). God help anyone who gets in the way of this routine. If anything goes wrong, that's my sense of control lost, and I am on edge for the rest of the day and my anxiety and panic attacks are all over the place.  

Before I leave - once the routine has been stuck to and I'm ready to leave, another routine begins. The mental checklist:

• How much have I eaten? When will I next get the chance to eat and will that be enough to keep me going til then? Shall I take something to eat on the way just in case? Why don't I take lots of spare food in case of an emergency?
• Have I got a full water bottle? Will there be somewhere to fill up my water when I get there? Or shall I take two just to be on the safe side? Have I had enough to drink? Shall I have a quick glass of water just in case?
• Have I got everything I need? Check, check, and triple check.
• Is there any windows open that shouldn't be? Doors unlocked that shouldn't be? Any plugs still switched on that could start a fire? Again, check, check and triple check.

And many more things that run through my mind. Things being in the right place, 'just in case', bringing extra whatever 'just in case', etc etc. It's a pain but it's what I feel I've got to do so I will.

I think it's important to retain a sense of humor about it though. Anyone who spends time with me knows I am incapable of travelling lightly, because of all my 'just in case' items. If I walk down my road or just round the corner , I still have to take a bag with water and food in!

If anyone is hungry while they're out with me, I am always the first point of call as they know I have my 'just in case of an emergency' rations.

If they're thirsty, they'll know I have a bottle of water somewhere close by. (though if you drink too much of it or leave it somewhere, God help you...)

And I think that humor is important. If it's just something you have to do, then it's just one of your quirks. My friends and family are used to my many 'quirks', and they respect it's something I need to do. There's no point seeing it as a negative, just take it and go with it.

Escape Routes

As my alter ego, Dory, would say, es-cap-eee.

A very personal coping mechanism for me is finding my escape route. The minute I enter somewhere new, I have to locate my easiest escape route in case a panic attack strikes.

It's very rare I have to use this escape route, it's just peace of mind to know it's there.

So if I ever go to the theatre or cinema, I try and sit on the end of an aisle, so I can make as little fuss as possible if a panic attack strikes and I have to leave. Although my recent challenges have been to plonk myself in the middle somewhere (so long as there's people I know on either side of me) and surprisingly, I've been ok with that so far.

At school this was such a bad thing for me I got to be exempt from school assemblies as I couldn't cope with not being in control of where I sat.

So as with most of us with anxiety, hell on earth is being in the middle of a crowd. I will avoid any crowded situation but if I really have to I  try and stay on the outskirts of the crowd.

Getting on the tube in rush hour is my worst nightmare, in fact, I just can't cope with it. I always end up being stupidly early to places (when I say early...I mean like, 3 hours early...) because I can't cope with getting on the tube at a crowded time. I would always try and stay on the end nearest the door, but me being 5 foot 2 and weighing very little, it's far to easy to be pushed into the middle where I can't get out or have people blocking me into a corner with nowhere to move.

This is something I need to gradually challenge myself too as it's not useful to avoid these situations, but that's an aim for sometime in the future.

Resting

Last but not least, resting.

Panic attacks are exhausting. They take so much concentration to control them, and so you've always got to be on the ball. I get very overly tired trying to fight off my daily panic attacks, and with the combination of that and the medication I take to control them (one of the most common symptoms being drowsiness), I could easily sleep for 12 hours or more every night if I had the time to do that.

So resting is so so sooooooo, important. Take time to yourself to relax. Know your limits. Sleep as much as you can. Recharge your batteries whenever you can.

If you have a busy week - power naps are a God send! If I'm tired, you can quite often find me in the corner taking 5 minutes to shut my eyes. Then I can just snap my eyes open and spring back with twice as much energy as usual.

So rest, rest, rest and rest! Don't push yourself and look after yourself. Allow yourself to be tired, it is exhausting.

So that's a quick round up of my main coping mechanisms.

I hope this has helped someone out there, and feel free to share your coping mechanisms with me too!

Still looking for guest bloggers with all kinds of mental illness - so please get in touch!

Until next week,

Suzy x

Twitter - @letstalkmhealth

Facebook - https://m.facebook.com/letstalkaboutmentalhealth/

#LetsTalkAboutMentalHealth

Lets Get This Campaign Going...

Hello you lovely lot!

Firstly I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who read/shared my blog last time. I was overwhelmed by the response to it and delighted by the messages I received.

Due to this response, my passion for getting people openly talking about mental health has grown even more. I am aiming to blog weekly to keep you up to date with my own journey, but I'm also looking for guest bloggers. I want to cover all aspects of mental health - and my anxiety disorder is all I can offer my own experience on. So PLEASE if you wish to do a guest blog for me from a different perspective on ANY aspect of mental health, please get in touch with me. Whether it's you who suffers from it, a friend/partner/family member, or even if you just want to get your voice heard, drop me a message. Anything said to me is in confidence, and I will always ask permission before anything is shared, and I'm happy for people to remain anonymous if you'd like.

I've set up a Facebook page for my blog where you can keep up to date and get in touch with me - https://www.facebook.com/letstalkaboutmentalhealth

And also my blog now has it's own twitter page that you can follow for updates and get in touch - @letstalkmhealth

This Week

I've had a tough week this week.

In my previous blog, I posted I had only had 2 major panic attacks since September. As sods law would have it, this week I had my third.

I was with some friends in a pub post rehearsal, and unfortunately it just sprang out of nowhere (which is unusual in itself, there is usually a trigger for these big ones).

However, I came to realise A LOT during this last panic attack, and has really got me thinking.

The first thing that struck me, was that I felt so embarrassed. I was focussing more on trying not to draw attention to myself, that I lost control over the panic attack and panicked more. Looking back at it now, I had absolutely nothing to be embarrassed off: I handled myself very well and did what I needed to do.

But I haven't been able to stop thinking about...WHY was I so embarrassed? Why SHOULD I be so embarrassed? And the answer...it comes back to what I said in my last blog, is this stupid, ridiculous, taboo we have about admitting we have a mental illness.

I'm not ashamed to stand up and say I suffer from an anxiety disorder - in NO WAY am I saying that. I would happily tell everyone I meet. I didn't need to feel embarrassed, nobody was judging me and I was handling myself well. Had I have realised that at the time, perhaps my panic attack wouldn't have been quite so intense.

I am very open, but I know others are afraid to be quite so open...and I want people to stop having to feel like that and feeling that they have to hide it.

The second thing that struck me, was just how much MORE I want and NEED to do to get this campaign going. I can't describe how important it is to me to get everyone openly talking about mental health and to stop others feeling this embarrassment. 

I don't know what else I can do to get this campaign going - but keeping this blog going is definitely a start, and please, PLEASE get in contact with me if you feel you can help me with this. Guest blogging, ideas for raising awareness, whatever it may be. Even just sharing, retweeting, whatever, your support means the world to me and others suffering with mental illness.

So please follow my twitter page (@letstalkmhealth), like my page on facebook, and get in contact if you are interested in doing a guest blog, want to ask me any questions, have any ideas for upcoming blogs, or even if you just want a chat.

I would love to hear from anyone and everyone, people with all forms of mental health disorders, be it anxiety, depression, bipolar, personality disorders, OCD, PTSD, eating disorders etc, please PLEASE get in touch with me. Anyone currently suffering, or anyone who has beaten these illnesses. I would love to hear from you.

Lets work together to get talking about mental health!

Until next week!

Suzy x

#LetsTalkAboutMentalHealth